Too funny, Z! Human balloon deflation. Not to make light of the untimely death of someone but that had me LOL with the image of an actual human balloon deflating and zippin' around all over the place (i know it didn't really).
Loved y'all's sense of humor about it. Burgers from room service, that was classic!
Crime Seen In Miami
Posted by Anthony E. Zuiker on
Aug 25, 2009
If you’ve read my blog from yesterday, you were probably a little grossed out. I get it. I have another story about dead bodies – only this time it takes place in Miami. Ann Donahue (showrunner for CSI: Miami) and I flew to Miami to research CSI: Miami back in the day. We had a blast writing the crossover, but the time had come for the pilot episode. So, like any Executive Producers worth their salt, we did our research with the Miami Police Department. And let me tell you, those guys couldn’t wait to show us a dead body. I mean, they were living for it. Ann got a little queasy, but I was laughing inside because I know she doesn’t like that kind of shit. In fact, the first day we visited the Miami P.D. we went into a precinct to talk to one of the detectives. I remember her going off to the restroom and coming back sheet white. I was like, “What’s wrong?” And she said, “I think I saw a man in that jail cell.” I peeked around the corner to look. Sure enough, it was a criminal pacing back and forth. Clutching his hands into fists. Agitated. She was right. It was a man who was tossed in jail for punching some guy in a bar. He looked scary. All I could think of was thank God for cell bars.
That night, we went on a ride along with several detectives. These guys were all Latino studs who prided themselves on Cuban food and real talk. They were cool as hell. Anyway, we got a call mid-lunch about a dead body in a residential neighborhood. Apparently, he’d been dead for a week based on the neighbor’s complaint about the smell. We call that a “decomp” (decomposition) in our world. Ann turned extra white. I started getting nervous. Not because of the sight of a dead man, but the detectives were insistent that we “meet him.” Oh, shit!
When we turned the corner into the neighborhood, we could already smell the odor. It’s hard to describe. Rotting flesh has a way of getting into your clothes and your nasal hairs. There is no way to escape it. The dead man was lying on his mattress with a porno movie on loop. It played over and over again. Ann and I hid behind each other while the captain lit a cigar from outside the house. He used the smell of the cigar to mask the powerful stench of the body. The dead man was a “rat packer,” which means that every inch of his house had boxes piled to the ceiling. There was only one way through the house. It felt like a maze for a couple of scared mice. When we first saw him, he was bloated to the size of a 500-pound man. I asked, “Was he a fat man?” The detective laughed and said he was probably about 180 pounds. Huh? He’s huge. He explained that the bloating was from the gasses stored up inside of his body. Oh, my God. Really???
That’s when the Hazmat unit came in. The Hazmat unit (or Crime Scene Clean Up) was made up of three crazy men armed with metal spikes. They sawed open the bedroom window and climbed through. Then, out of nowhere, they started stabbing the man to let out the gasses. I literally saw him go from 500 pounds to 180 within seconds. It looked like a human balloon with a small leak. It was so nasty. Ann and I thought for sure we would be diseased by some airborne virus. We got the hell of out there. Next, a tow truck with a lift arrived and they hoisted him out of there and zipped him up. On the way out, they were talking about showering up and getting a burger. I’m like, “Burger??? I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again.”
Ann and I went back to the Delano and ordered some water and dinner rolls. We literally ate in silence and tried not to laugh. She said to me, “How did we get here?” I said, “I have no idea. All I know is we’re doing another CSI.” Ann nodded. I nodded. The waiter walked over and asked us if we were going to eat because currently the bill was $0.00. I left the guy a $20 and we walked. And wouldn’t you know it, I sent her a Room Service burger and she sent me one. We called each other on the phone laughing. I asked her if she ate it. She said, “Hell no…” She asked me if I ate mine. I confessed, “Yeah, but I’m a little bloated.” Ha ha…
That night, we went on a ride along with several detectives. These guys were all Latino studs who prided themselves on Cuban food and real talk. They were cool as hell. Anyway, we got a call mid-lunch about a dead body in a residential neighborhood. Apparently, he’d been dead for a week based on the neighbor’s complaint about the smell. We call that a “decomp” (decomposition) in our world. Ann turned extra white. I started getting nervous. Not because of the sight of a dead man, but the detectives were insistent that we “meet him.” Oh, shit!
When we turned the corner into the neighborhood, we could already smell the odor. It’s hard to describe. Rotting flesh has a way of getting into your clothes and your nasal hairs. There is no way to escape it. The dead man was lying on his mattress with a porno movie on loop. It played over and over again. Ann and I hid behind each other while the captain lit a cigar from outside the house. He used the smell of the cigar to mask the powerful stench of the body. The dead man was a “rat packer,” which means that every inch of his house had boxes piled to the ceiling. There was only one way through the house. It felt like a maze for a couple of scared mice. When we first saw him, he was bloated to the size of a 500-pound man. I asked, “Was he a fat man?” The detective laughed and said he was probably about 180 pounds. Huh? He’s huge. He explained that the bloating was from the gasses stored up inside of his body. Oh, my God. Really???
That’s when the Hazmat unit came in. The Hazmat unit (or Crime Scene Clean Up) was made up of three crazy men armed with metal spikes. They sawed open the bedroom window and climbed through. Then, out of nowhere, they started stabbing the man to let out the gasses. I literally saw him go from 500 pounds to 180 within seconds. It looked like a human balloon with a small leak. It was so nasty. Ann and I thought for sure we would be diseased by some airborne virus. We got the hell of out there. Next, a tow truck with a lift arrived and they hoisted him out of there and zipped him up. On the way out, they were talking about showering up and getting a burger. I’m like, “Burger??? I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again.”
Ann and I went back to the Delano and ordered some water and dinner rolls. We literally ate in silence and tried not to laugh. She said to me, “How did we get here?” I said, “I have no idea. All I know is we’re doing another CSI.” Ann nodded. I nodded. The waiter walked over and asked us if we were going to eat because currently the bill was $0.00. I left the guy a $20 and we walked. And wouldn’t you know it, I sent her a Room Service burger and she sent me one. We called each other on the phone laughing. I asked her if she ate it. She said, “Hell no…” She asked me if I ate mine. I confessed, “Yeah, but I’m a little bloated.” Ha ha…
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- 11 Responses
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- Charlees Angel
- Aug 25, 2009
- 4
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- Mystery Child
- Aug 25, 2009
- 5
Yet another great story! I used to want to be a forensic patholigist, now I'm thinking I'm glad I'm not. Have a hamburger, on me!
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- GE Z Girl
- Aug 25, 2009
- 6
Mr. AZ, I remember one of your CSI episodes was about a d-comp, man in a bag if I remember right. The stench just came across the screen as if for real, but you seeing it FOR REAL, must have been unreal!!!! ( saying that lightly) Like the other responses today......vegetarian today for me.......guess I'll put my steak back in the fridge. It'll be salad and carrots tonight. Keep em coming......love waking up to your stories!!!!! :)
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- Capn Shiney
- Aug 25, 2009
- 7
AZ I gotta say you have one hell of a way with words. It feels like I was there with ya. PS I woulda eatin the burger too.
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- modelmotion
- Aug 25, 2009
- 8
:):):)
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- Kristine Taylor
- Aug 25, 2009
- 9
Mr. Z, you sure seem to get into your work.
Ivana, don't let it get you down. Most places in America don't have this stuff either, but we muddle through. Justice is where you make it happen, sadly it's not a given.
Ivana, don't let it get you down. Most places in America don't have this stuff either, but we muddle through. Justice is where you make it happen, sadly it's not a given.
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- Night Wanderer
- Aug 25, 2009
- 10
*shivers* That would top my list of nasties thigns I've ever seen/smelled. I wonder if some police or forensic people carry around that stuff you put under your nose like in Silence of the Lambs. I would!!! And what a way to go... death by porno. When I was a kid, my mom worked in the local hospital. I remember a friend asking his mom (who worked there as well) if we could go see the morgue. I am so glad they said no and wouldn't let us becuase I think I'd still be having nightmares over that!
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- Anthony E. Zuiker
- Aug 25, 2009
- 11
It's all true... Remember it like it was yesterday...
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Book 2
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Book 1Unlock a cyberbridge
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